Re: Modifications required

Dear sirs;

After several agencies have reviewed the plans submitted we have declared that you have created a new locomotive that is not a historical restoration. As such, you will be required to make the following modifications to meet current standards of construction and operation:

1. It must be equipped with an exhaust scrubber system. We can't have that dirty nasty smoke drifting around polluting the air in our major cities. Likewise, drip pans and recovery systems must be placed under all devices that my emit any enviromentally offensive material.

2. OSHA has required that all rotating and reciprocating parts be enclosed by guards to prevent injury.

3. The cab design does not provide for sufficient crash worthiness, visibility (cab forward is suggested) or comfort (where is the air conditioning?).

4. There are insufficient electronic devices attached. Please provide them as this means "progress". Said devices are required to be obsolete at the time of their installation and must not be maintainable or functional beyond five years at most. Also, please provide for GPS, an avoidance control system and electronic braking.

5. It has been determined that this vehicle is not "carbon neutral". While switching its fuel source to wood meets this definition, we do not expect to provide any wood cutting permits for the next 100 years as we prefer all trees to burn naturally in their forest setting. To increase this burning potential, please provide a tree planting attachment.

6. We do not see any evidence of "hybrid technology". Please indicate how you intend to fulfill this requirement.

7. Please provide for a restroom including the required modesty lock per 49CFR. Note that if any passengers are carried on this vehicle, said restroom and vehicle must be fully handicapped accessable.

8. We may be willing to consider granting certain waivers on some of these items if you install sufficient bicycle racks. Please contact your local politician's offices so they may refer you to the "approved" vendors of these devices. Off the record, we suggest that you make an effort to contact those officials subject to re-election first.

9. Should you be able to prove that this proposed project is absolutely totally worthless, an insane waste of money, and creates new overseas jobs; then we will gladly arrange for grants from a variety of federal, state and local resources.

10. As this has an "uncontained rapid expansion incident" potential, an escape pod must be provided. In addition, a system to contain any and all debris from such event must be installed.

Please do not forget the Enviromental Impact Report. Said report must be a minimum of 1000 pages long and must be printed on recycled paper. Exception: Copies of those reports delivered to government agencies may be printed in the margins of $100 bills.

We look forward to you serving us,

Your tax supported departments of bureaucratic bungling

Please forward any criticism of this letter to the IRS, mentioning your SSN and birthdate, with the last 7 years of tax returns attached for faster prosecuting of your case.

(Why won't thiis thang let me spel right?)



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/03/2008 11:43AM by Dan Robirds.