'Georgianatown and the 7 Foamers', aka "C7" . . .

The Curmudgeonly Seven
- or -
Georgianatown and the Seven Foamers

An upcoming Major Motion Picture, Directed By and Starring Roger Hogan Wigwam

Asking Don's forgiveness in advance - this post is in response to a challenging comment made by Roger on another thread . . .
(See [ngdiscussion.net] thru [ngdiscussion.net], and [ngdiscussion.net].)


Screenplay © 2007 by "El Curmudgeonito", aka "Russo de los Locos", loosely based on the movie "The Magnificent Seven", which was closely based on the movie "Seven Samurai", which was not in any way whatsoever based on the movie "Snow White and the Seven Mini-Curmudgeons Schnee Weisse und die Sieben Kleine Düdelsachern". One scene from the latter 'film noir' has been blatantly copied into the current movie, however, which also contains elements from the movie "A Ticket to Tomahawk" and the children's story Seven At One Blow.

Starring Roger Wigwam as Robert Vaughn. Directed by Roger Wigwam. Cinematography by Roger Wigwam.¹
2^nd-Unit Direction, additional Droneography, and Stunts by Roger's faithful Indian companion, Stephan Four-Knees
Costumes by Barbara Wigwam. Catering by Charlatté The Boxcar Café, The High Country and Foster's Hotel.²
Music by Elmo Berenstein and the Berenstein Bears³.   Lighting and Publicity Stills by Michael Ryan Ripley.

(Revised frequently in response to hourly Histœria Colorado spincasts from Georgianatown, Colorado, and Faux News updates from Washington, D.C.)

NOTE: due to complaints from one of the co-stars (who is having trouble learning his few lines due to excessive last-minute changes to the script), after edits #99 & #100 all future changes - except for correcting minor typos - will be undertaken on a separate post.  NOT.

Co-starring Tommy GildedLilly as James Coburn, the perfectionist curmudgeon; John JéBêWèx as Steve McQueen, his curmudgeonly sidekick; and Scott Turnover as Yul Brynner, the no-nonsense curmudgeon. Featuring John Craftsman as Charles Bronson and Ernie GoKart as Brad Dexter, two slightly younger & less curmudgeonly gunslingers, and Clunk Westwood as himself.  Introducing Russo Loco as Borscht Kuchholz, a smart-ass curmudgeon-in-training; Stacy Fusee as Margaret Marilyn Munroe, a big-hearted "social worker" from Tomahawk, Colorado; and Johnny Coal, a mild-mannered telegraphone lineman from Chama, New Mexico.

The Setting:
Georgianatown and Ostrich Plume⁴ (later re-named Silver Plume), small mountain villages in the rugged mountains a few miles west of Denver, Colorado. Once rough-&-tumble mining communities, their residents now survive by selling authentic Made-in-Calcutta Indian headdresses and rubber tomahawks, cowboy hats, bubble gum and lumps of golden pyrites to unsuspecting 'flatland touristers'. According to a serape-clad source sitting in an empty chair (whose name has been withheld by request — apparently he is the town's mayor), both villages are dependent on a nearby scenic railroad, the Georgianatown Loop-de-Loop, to attract a large number of suckers visitors with Fistsful of Dollars to their boutiques, moonshine distilleries & hamburger stands, and A Few Dollars More to local 'recreation facilities' for Senior Curmud­geons. The cornering of the market for both Acme brand Bangladeshi rubber-headed Indian tomahawks and Fleer's 'Double Bubble' bubble gum during the 2009 & 2010 seasons by the Mayor of Creede has further exacerbated the recent economic crisis caused by the Loop-de-Loop's decline as described below . . .

Synopsis:
An unethical band of corporate capitalists, egotistical polly-tush-ians & lie-yers - the bane of all hard-working middle-class Americans - have gained control of the local tourist railroad in a very hostile takeover. The gang is led by Señor Jar-Jar Bell as Eli Wallach and S'No-Balls Behrings as Jack Palance (on the wrong set after following Charlie Bronson over from "Chato's Land"). They are aided & abetted by a Mr. PooppinJay and a Ms. Georgiana Condi-Google-Eyes IV, great-granddaughter and namesake of the wife of the founder of the local Recreation Center for Senior Curmudgeons (for whom Georgianatown was named), and the current President of the La-di-Dado Histörical Society.

Railroad operations at the Loop-de-Loop have been outsourced to TrackAssteroid, a division of Helliburton subsidiary BilgeWater, Inc. The gravity of the circumstances cannot be exaggerated, as the situation - having rapidly deteriorated from Good to Bad - is now getting truly Ugly. TrackAssteroid is a naive flatlander outfit from the Far East, apparentry honest but inexpelienced in the ligors of mountain lairloading. In spite of huge sums of taxpayer money squandered by the Histörical Society, the new concessionaire has been hamstrung by LDhS micromanagement and has run the antique RR equipment into the ground. This has caused accidents, delays, derailments and missed schedules - and has alienated potential customers, local shopkeepers, and most of the narrow gauge foamite community.

As the movie opens, Curt-ass (a disgruntled foamer⁵), his wife and their two kids - their feathers understandably ruffled - stand dejectedly in front of the ticket office of the railroad, where "canceled" has been written over the schedule showing the mid-afternoon train to the MatchBox Mine & Baby Doe Petting Zoo - a subsidiary of Khazad-Dhûm and LEB-Anon & Associates, in cooperation with Scientifucology, Inc. {background music: the original "3:10 To Yuma" sung by Frankie Laine}

Seven height-challenged former Bavarian düdelsachern (bagpipe players), unable to earn a living in their former occupation and forced to accept jobs in the underground economy, are gathered nearby; the balding PhD. with glasses - apparently the only one among them who can read - has informed his comrades of the situation. One Sneezes and another Yawns. "Hey, we can always walk to the mine", one says shyly. "The exercise will be good for us!" happily chimes in another. "SHADDUP, you Dope!", yells the seventh Grumpily when the sixth member of the group nods in agreement, "or I'll toss you to the mine!".   "NOBODY but Aragorn tosses a Düdelsacher", their leader reminds him emphatically, "not even one of US!"

Both groups are startled by a loud ruckus in the nearby enginehouse, where Russo Loco and his friend, steam restoration expert Al Fillups (played by Gabby Hayes), are having a superheated argument with Jar-Jar and S'no Balls concerning the latter's use of an unsafe and non-histöric diseasel locomotive. Russo storms out of the enginehouse just in time to catch the weekly stagecoach to Antonito, Colorado, where he hopes to find a job on a properly-run railroad. Johnny Coal, a handsome young telegraphone lineman, has overheard the argument. He sends an urgent message He slips quietly into a nearby telegraphone booth, and emerges dressed in brand-new striped overalls and a bright red neckerchief, with a long-necked oilcan in one gauntleted hand and a green class lamp in the other. He hops on an unguarded dual-gauge handcar, attaches the class lamp to the rear, and speeds off in reverse down the mountain. He rushes to his friend Roger Wigwam at the Shadrack Tribal Hogan in distant Chama, N.M., hoping to persuade Roger and fellow historian Scott Turnover to help clean up the mess in Georgianatown and Ostrich Plume once and for all.

Roger, a retired gunslinger, now lives by selling genuine made-in-America RR souvenirs from his gift shop in the Shadrack. Having made millions from a screen saver CD based on historic photos donated by curmudgeonly but sympathetic friends, he now spends most of his time trying to catch a small number of flies buzzing around an aging peanut butter & jelly sandwich lying near his computer keyboard. In his youth, he once caught seven flies at one time, and was a PETA-certified catch-and-release fly fisherman and consultant to the White House. But now - his skills fading - he is lucky to catch more than two flies at once, and even then only with the aide of a large styrofoam beer mug. Upon hearing Johnny's pleadings, Roger rounds up his friends John, Scott and Tom for a male-bonding ceremony and songfest at the nearby Billy-Goat Saloon. Russo Loco, in town for a job interview with the Cumbersome & Totally Wrecked Scenic RR - of which the Georgianatown Loop-de-Loop was once a close rival in the hearts of foamers throughout the world - sneaks in to join the revelry, but he is thrown out by the curmudgeonly gunslingers when he strikes his RR-drumhead-painted bodhran on the wrong beat to both "Whisky in the Jar" and "If you're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands".

After sending several urgent telegraphone messages and smoke signals, the gunslingers are joined a few days later by Ernie GoKart and another, much younger John - a rather crafty sort - who has chartered a four-engine stock train (with all of the locomotives carrying both green flags and green class lamps) headed for Georgianatown with a load of lions and tigers and bears (oh, my), a pair of albino giraffes and several boa constrictors for the LEB-Anon/Matchbox Mine and Baby Deer Petting Zoo. Russo has been camping out near Sublette, where he has survived by catching fish using only his bare hands. He is wandering along the track looking for loose spikes and telegraphone insulators when he hears the train coming. He surreptitiously takes movies of the special when it stops to unload the albino giraffes and walk them around the Mud Tunnel to avoid damaging its portal with their long necks. He runs after the train and catches up to it during a photo run-by, and then hurriedly climbs aboard while it is stopped for water at Lava Tank.

A decrepit Mason-Garratt locomotive⁶ is simmering in the background when the first of Our Heroes arrive in Georgianatown to bring the evildoers to justice. As a distraction, Jar-Jar Bell challenges Tommy GildedLilly to a winner-take-all game of mumblety-peg; meanwhile S'No-Balls Behrings sneaks onto the ancient logomotive and jams its safety pops with a double-headed spike. {Ominous music here} ... The rest of the gunslingers show up just as Tom wins back his Johnny Coal trading cards, but the bad guys kidnap Margaret Marilyn Munroe, a wannabe car hostess and trainee firegirl on the GLdL. (In an earlier scene, Margaret Marilyn was drugged by a poisoned apple given to her by the notorious Madam Condi-Google-Eyes when she tried to resign escape from her job at the Recreation Center that afternoon.) Carrying their hostage Margaret Marilyn, the villains climb on the ungainly diseasel locomotive, hoping to escape up the line to their hideout in an opera-hat factory near Ostrich Plume. Scott grabs onto the back of the train just as it is pulling away, and climbs up the rear ladder of the kibbutz. Russo Loco, who has been practicing his toreador skills by competing with a mountain goat on a cliff above the railroad, sees what is going on and leaps down onto the top of the train to help Scott. The rest of Our Heroes get aboard the (sabotaged) steamer and give chase, but it stalls just before passing under the ancient pin-truss bridge at the Pearly Gates. Scott and Russo run along the tops of the cars of the getaway train; they are met on the rear hood of the diseasel by Jar-Jar and S'No Balls, and the four engage in the obligatory fisticuffs just as the train approaches the Pearly Gates Bridge ... {Appropriate fist-fight music here}

The ungainly diseasel, running well above the five MPH speed limit, is barely staying on the track. {The camera moves in close to show how the weight of the train is pulling the rear coupler of the diseasel down and to the right, causing the locomotive to twist to the left and the flange of left front wheel to ride dangerously high on the rail - exciting 'impending-doom' music here.} The diseasel jumps the track just as it crosses the Pearly Gates Bridge, and the bridge slowly collapses under it. The diseasel lands on the pilot deck of the steamer - hitting it just hard enough to knock the double-headed spike loose from the jammed safety pops, narrowly averting a gigantic explosion. Russo Loco rescues Margaret Marilyn from the cab just as the diseasel's fuel tanks catch fire. As usual, Scott cleans up the situation by capturing the stunned villains, who are subsequently tried, found guilty and sentenced to twenty years hard labor on a chain gang spreading ballast along the railroad. Mr. PooppinJay and Ms. Madam Condi-Google-Eyes IV are confined to the penthouse of Scientifucology, Inc's Institution for the Near-Sighted and Delusional at 12th & Transylvania in Denver, where they spend the rest of their days drinking the last of yesterday morning's stale coffee and knitting replica "California Zephyr" doilies for sale in the La-Di-Dado Histörical Society's gift shop.

After the trial Scott becomes Sheriff of Georgianatown - succeeding the serape-clad individual whose name was withheld by request - and Roger & Tom are elected to the Town Board. Scott turns over the town by initiating a ban on cigars, Indian snake charmers and non-pasteurized beer; Tom and Roger arrange to bring in the newly-restored D&RG F&CC #315 and #20 and RGS Goose #4 to save the railroad. With "Happy Trails to You" sung by Barbra Streisand playing in the background, the rest of Our Heroes then ride off into the sunset on the dual-gauge handcar - except for the injured Russo de los Locos, who stays behind to be lovingly cared for by the grateful Margaret Marilyn, who has taken over as Manager of Physical Therapy at the Senior Recreation Center and Home for Retired Curmudgeons in Georgianatown (due to the forced 'retirement' of Ms. Condi-Google-Eyes IV).

{A bluegrass rendition of 'Lara's Theme' from "Dr. Zhivago", sung by Bonnie Raitt, is heard as the movie ends; the camera pulls back to show Georgianatown at the height of Fall Colors, with the double-headed #315 and #20 steaming happily across the repaired Pearly Gates Bridge in the background, on their way to Ostrich Plume, their authentic D&RGW Dark Olive Green boiler jackets resplendent in the late-afternoon sun . A small flock of Frijolotes - the first seen flying in their home area for many years - is silhouetted against the golden sunset.}

Notes:
Prior to the feature film - in honor of Old Timers and Curmudgeons everywhere - an old-fashioned black-&-white cartoon will be screened. It will star Mr. Barnard Google as Buster Keaton and Betty Boop-Poop-di-Loop as Marion Mack in a re-make of Keaton's "The General". Wallace will co-star as the heroine's father, his dog Grommit as her brother, and Feathers McGraw as the evil Union spy, respectively. Barney's wife Georgiana Condi-Google IV (with her goo-goo-google-eee eyes) will be featured as a camp-follower with the Union army, and Grommit's automated porridge-maker will be employed in the role of a railcar-mounted siege mortar.


Curmudgeon: a crusty irascible cantankerous old person full of stubborn ideas.
(Per Allen Mather, from [wordnet.princeton.edu])

*****

Before taking the part of Margaret Marilyn Munroe, her first major movie role, Stacy - a former Playmate of the Month - was Miss St. Pauli Girl in 2005; Prior to the hostile takeover of the Loop de Loop, Russ and Jeff had hoped to arrange for the St. Pauli Brewery to sponsor the GLdL, and to paint their logo on the tenders of the locomotives. They also planned to recruit the St. Pauli Girls to be car hostesses, as demographic projections showed that ridership by males in the 15-75 age bracket would have doubled almost immediately ...


Former Georgianatown Loop-de-Loop engineer Jeff Badger demonstrates his incredible powers of concentration and concern for safety as he and firegirl wannabe Stacy Fusee await a signal to couple up from Conductor Brad LaRose at the Pacific Coast Railway, May, 2005.


What might have been, except for the problems of excess foaming (NPI) and Rule "G".
Rumors are that #9 will be MUCH happier in Breckenridge - IF she ever gets there.


¹ Roger Wigwam is also a 2^nd-unit stuntman during the fly-catching, chase and fight scenes. This is the first time in Hollywood history that one person will be nominated for an Academy Award in three four categories - Director, Star, Cinematographer and Stuntman!

² Charlatte's was sold and subsequently renamed The Boxcar Café circa 2010.  'Foster's Hotel has been dropped from the catering list due to the decline in the quality and increase in prices of their edibles during the current (2009) season. As an example, their menu lists Guacamole Dip at $6.95 - which consists of a three-ounce plastic cup of mediocre green goop accompanied by a large basket of chips. ($37/pound for guac would be a bit much, even if it were really good guac.)

³ The sound-track for 'C7' is expected to win the Academy Award they narrowly missed getting for 1960's 'M7' horse-opera remake of 'Seven Samurai'.

⁴ See [ngdiscussion.net], below, for a more detailed history of the naming of these two fascinating western towns.

⁵ See [ngdiscussion.net] for a definition of this term.

⁶ See item #2 and photo on [ngdiscussion.net]



Edited 136 time(s). Last edit at 12/11/2023 07:56PM by Russo Loco.